“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.