“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
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My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Close call…
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
me after eating Cheetos
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter