I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
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*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*