Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Same post same

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution