I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
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The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number