I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
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I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.