I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?