I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Don’t snitch tag.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March