Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

This is enough internet for the day.

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

My work here is don’t.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat