I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
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Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I can fix him.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
😜
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*