I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.