I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
You Might Also Like
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.