I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
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Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
learning about math 🧐 📝
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…