I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
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6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?