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I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
this is the news I live for
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.