I just want an internship man
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Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Plant care tips
