I just want an internship man
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HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
when you order from DoorDastardly
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?