Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

The two types of wives

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

“TGIM!” – My liver

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]