Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.