Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.