Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

Cats are still liquid.

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.