I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
buys donuts instead
Meow
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
figuring out my emotional availability:
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…