Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.