I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
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“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.