Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

why no one uses midhusbands

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.