Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Is this a threat?

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.