Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

when dads have a rap battle

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry