I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
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*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me