I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
You Might Also Like
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
What even happened today?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind