I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
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Me: Same
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain