Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

Pretty much. 🤣

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

The cycle continues

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.