Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

that would 100% work on me

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9