I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier