I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
You Might Also Like
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk