Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*