Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?