I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
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Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Brb my Sims are getting married
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.