I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me when I try to be useful
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell