I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
You Might Also Like
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.