I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.