I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
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GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Finally a use for spoilers…
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.