Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

This is I, Robot all over again

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex