Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

“Extra cheese”

Extra! Extra! More cheese!!

“No olives”

Breaking! Hold on the olives!

~Ex-Newsie working at Subway

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕