I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
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Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.