I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
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Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares