I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
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nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne