I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
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Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.