I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
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A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw