Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

hello pervert is such a strong opener

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*

eyes: *water*

*looks like I’m crying in meeting*

me: yeah this is better

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.