I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
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*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
This fish is cracking me up
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).