Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

So sorry

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people