Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

I’m not sorry.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?