Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

plums roundup

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit