I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
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We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Note to self: always read the final line
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
when u come home smelling like another dog
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
cause of death:
autopsy.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car