I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
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*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY