I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
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Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
It do be feeling this way.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome