I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
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My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys