how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )