@sweetmomissa

I just want the level of idgaf as my teen who I told to go to bed by midnight – but sends me a snap at 4am.

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@Big_Cat74

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

@oakhillbargrill

Him: ‘Sorry Mr Hill, no last minute call from the Governor. Any last words?’

Me: -whimpering ‘She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle’

@DaddyJew

Gf: is it in?

Me: I think its in

Gf: nothing’s happening

Me: give it a sec

Gf: take it out & put it back in

M: ugh fine *reinserts DVD*

@stevecantsmell

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

@thedad

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

@Emotionalcheese

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

@WheelTod

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.