I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Digital security in Ancient Troy
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.