I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
and this one
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
gender is a sprctrum
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Your honor these allegations are
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My dog ate my work from home.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.