I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.