Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

This makes total sense…

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

How to properly lift a body

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear