I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
🎵 I can’t wait to
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes