Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

i wish we could shoplift online

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron