Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

okay run it by me one more time

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor