I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
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I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Natural selection at its finest
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Lmao
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.