I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
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Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
#Caturday
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…