Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.