Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.