I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Always the vampires
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.