I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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For when Tinder doesn’t work
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.