I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws