I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
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My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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