I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
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[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Am I having a stroke?
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.